gregreckons - Network

Sorry I’m late, but the world is an illusion and my life is a lie.

Sorry I’m late, but the world is an illusion and my life is a lie.

I don’t live in denial, but I do commute there daily.

I don’t live in denial, but I do commute there daily.

RIP Jeff Beck ✌️🤟✊

RIP Jeff Beck ✌️🤟✊

Life comes at you hard.Then dry humps your leg while everyone watches.

Life comes at you hard.

Then dry humps your leg while everyone watches.

You’re the single-ply toilet paper of people.

You’re the single-ply toilet paper of people.

Maybe my purpose in life is to wander aimlessly never knowing my purpose in life. You don’t know!

Maybe my purpose in life is to wander aimlessly never knowing my purpose in life. You don’t know!

Sleep? Ha! Sleep is for the weak. *face plants in bowl of oatmeal*

Sleep? Ha! Sleep is for the weak.

*face plants in bowl of oatmeal*

“I am an agent of chaos.” I say as I spread Miracle Whip on my sandwich.

“I am an agent of chaos.” I say as I spread Miracle Whip on my sandwich.

Personal Trainer: You have to want this more than those donuts!Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

Personal Trainer: You have to want this more than those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

I’m 1 for 3 today throwing stuff across the room into a trash can. Twenty twenty-three is obviously not my year.

I’m 1 for 3 today throwing stuff across the room into a trash can. Twenty twenty-three is obviously not my year.

[speed dating]Me: Quick, what’s your favorite episode of Manimal?

[speed dating]

Me: Quick, what’s your favorite episode of Manimal?

Me: My life is in shambles, it feels like there are a thousand terrible things attempting to claw their way out of my head, and every second...

Me: My life is in shambles, it feels like there are a thousand terrible things attempting to claw their way out of my head, and every second that ticks by is more excruciating than the last. Oh, and my elbow is a little sore. I think it’s this weather.

Neighbor:

Me: You asked how I’m doing today. Sheesh.

When they list total calories on a granola bar wrapper, how do they account for the ~57% that ends up down your shirt, in your lap, or on...

When they list total calories on a granola bar wrapper, how do they account for the ~57% that ends up down your shirt, in your lap, or on the floor?

*busts a move* *also busts a hamstring*

*busts a move*

*also busts a hamstring*

I talk a lot of shit for someone who uses the term thingy.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who uses the term thingy.

Them: Do you stretch during your workout? Me: Calling what I do a workout is in itself a bit of a stretch tbh.

Them: Do you stretch during your workout?

Me: Calling what I do a workout is in itself a bit of a stretch tbh.

I get it, thunderstorms, I’m widely scattered too.

I get it, thunderstorms, I’m widely scattered too.

Them: What do you think 2023 has in store for us? Me:

Them: What do you think 2023 has in store for us?

Me:

Thought I was a chapter. Turns out I’m just a footnote.

Thought I was a chapter.
Turns out I’m just a footnote.

[my life flashing before my eyes]Me: Ugh. Borrrrring!

[my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Ugh. Borrrrring!