I've just visited the James Bond museum, and bought a Sean Connery snowglobe as a keepshake.
9.1.2023 23:15I've just visited the James Bond museum, and bought a Sean Connery snowglobe as a keepshake.🎶 Six geese olé-ing
10.12.2022 18:13🎶 Six geese olé-ingElton John has purchased a pair of William the Conqueror's denim trousers for just £1.50. Good buy, Norman jeans.
6.12.2022 21:04Elton John has purchased a pair of William the Conqueror's denim trousers for just £1.50. Good buy, Norman jeans.My girlfriend caught me in bed with a Picasso painting. I said, “It’s not what it looks like!”
3.12.2022 20:30My girlfriend caught me in bed with a Picasso painting. I said, “It’s not what it looks like!”I regularly receive DMs from women asking for pictures of me in jeans and a leather jacket on my OnlyFonz account.
30.11.2022 21:55I regularly receive DMs from women asking for pictures of me in jeans and a leather jacket on my OnlyFonz account.Magicians’ assistants were most likely to lose their lives during the pandemic due to huge spikes in cases.
30.11.2022 20:18Magicians’ assistants were most likely to lose their lives during the pandemic due to huge spikes in cases.I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.
30.11.2022 16:58I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.Ever since my wife took that job in Antarctica, she's been cold and distant.
29.11.2022 22:59Ever since my wife took that job in Antarctica, she's been cold and distant.When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way around, I was stunned.
29.11.2022 17:58When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way around, I was stunned.I named my pet guinea pig 'Argos' because he's got a little pen.
29.11.2022 15:09I named my pet guinea pig 'Argos' because he's got a little pen.- "I grew up on a notorious council estate."
- "Rough area?"
- "About a hundred acres."
I still have my late nan in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day.
28.11.2022 09:51I still have my late nan in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day.You may think the staff at the wing mirror factory don’t get on, but they’re a lot closer than they appear.
27.11.2022 08:08You may think the staff at the wing mirror factory don’t get on, but they’re a lot closer than they appear.[Calling Ricky Gervais at work]
Me – “Hi, can I speak to Mr Gervais, please?”
PA – “He’s out of the office.”
Me – “Yeah, I know who he is, mate!”
Actually, of all the animals on Noah’s ark, only the woodworm went in 2x2.
26.11.2022 11:05Actually, of all the animals on Noah’s ark, only the woodworm went in 2x2.I took my overnight bag to my tennis match by mistake, and had to play in my dressing gown and slippers. Still, I won comfortably.
26.11.2022 09:33I took my overnight bag to my tennis match by mistake, and had to play in my dressing gown and slippers. Still, I won comfortably.At school, there was a prize for whoever doodled the least in their exercise books. I won by a clear margin.
25.11.2022 21:11At school, there was a prize for whoever doodled the least in their exercise books. I won by a clear margin.My wife said she’d leave me because of my obsession with movie sequels. It's been Rocky IV a while now.
25.11.2022 19:26My wife said she’d leave me because of my obsession with movie sequels. It's been Rocky IV a while now.⬆️
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