richardpulsford - Network

Muggers always strike me as violent people#LunchPun

Muggers always strike me as violent people

#LunchPun

Why did I get divorced? My ex used to go around with a ventriloquist's dummy. I mean, that speaks for itself.#LunchPun

Why did I get divorced? My ex used to go around with a ventriloquist's dummy. I mean, that speaks for itself.

#LunchPun

I absent-mindedly walked back to my old flat, opened the door, and saw the new tenants standing there naked. I apologised, saying I...

I absent-mindedly walked back to my old flat, opened the door, and saw the new tenants standing there naked. I apologised, saying I didn't know what I was letting myself in for.

#LunchPun

The record company showed me the deal and asked for my signature so I played them Yakety Sax#LunchPun

The record company showed me the deal and asked for my signature so I played them Yakety Sax

#LunchPun

You might think everyone would avoid low spaces which gather undesirable liquids in them but that would be an a sump shun#LunchPun

You might think everyone would avoid low spaces which gather undesirable liquids in them but that would be an a sump shun

#LunchPun

Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for…Lent!#LunchPun

Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for…

Lent!

#LunchPun

Staff at the local store are not allowed to talk about my plans now I've taken it over as they've all signed a Londis closure...

Staff at the local store are not allowed to talk about my plans now I've taken it over as they've all signed a Londis closure agreement

#LunchPun

I said to my poster designer, "It's Spring, and I want to be in the Great Outdoors!" He must have misheard me as he's just...

I said to my poster designer, "It's Spring, and I want to be in the Great Outdoors!" He must have misheard me as he's just gone and put me in the Greyed-out Doors!

#LunchPun

- I've got this ringing in my ears- Take your head phones off then#LunchPun

- I've got this ringing in my ears
- Take your head phones off then

#LunchPun

I'm going to open up an affordable dog shelter, called Pound Land. And one for injured dogs, called Pound Stretcher. And a high-end...

I'm going to open up an affordable dog shelter, called Pound Land. And one for injured dogs, called Pound Stretcher. And a high-end Pound Land, called Guinea Land.

#LunchPun

Idea for a TV programme: Have Alan Partridge talking about Norfolk, and call it 'The Fount of all Norwich'#LunchPun

Idea for a TV programme: Have Alan Partridge talking about Norfolk, and call it 'The Fount of all Norwich'

#LunchPun

My friend had a runny nose but was still kissing his girlfriend. I said, "Will you too get a rheum?"#LunchPun

My friend had a runny nose but was still kissing his girlfriend. I said, "Will you too get a rheum?"

#LunchPun

Prince Charles' insistence on giving me a seat has throne me#LunchPun

Prince Charles' insistence on giving me a seat has throne me

#LunchPun

Is the Archbishop enjoying his retirement? He might, Welby.#LunchPun

Is the Archbishop enjoying his retirement? He might, Welby.

#LunchPun

- The Atomic Kitten singer's dating a priest- Kerry liaison?- Yes, the Lord have mercy on us all!#LunchPun

- The Atomic Kitten singer's dating a priest
- Kerry liaison?
- Yes, the Lord have mercy on us all!

#LunchPun

- I'm working nights at the keyboard factory while looking for a better job- Only makeshift?- No, we produce all the keys#LunchPun

- I'm working nights at the keyboard factory while looking for a better job
- Only makeshift?
- No, we produce all the keys

#LunchPun

I go to Weightwatchers because I want control over my own density#LunchPun

I go to Weightwatchers because I want control over my own density

#LunchPun

- And the King bestowed on the kingdom's signwriters lots of big letters- Largesse?- Not just that one. The whole alphabet.#LunchPun

- And the King bestowed on the kingdom's signwriters lots of big letters
- Largesse?
- Not just that one. The whole alphabet.

#LunchPun

Does your hair need essential oils? Then try this Formula One. It's been fully tested in the pits.#LunchPun

Does your hair need essential oils? Then try this Formula One. It's been fully tested in the pits.

#LunchPun

My boss has given me another unexciting case to look into, and told me to stop moaning. I've taken it on, bored.#LunchPun

My boss has given me another unexciting case to look into, and told me to stop moaning. I've taken it on, bored.

#LunchPun