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It’s St. Patrick’s Day so make sure you celebrate properly! Fill your car with snakes and drive them out someplace. We’re going to...

It’s St. Patrick’s Day so make sure you celebrate properly! Fill your car with snakes and drive them out someplace. We’re going to take 700 boa constrictors to see “Puss in Boots.” How about you?

It’s the Ides of March, so don’t forget to send your kids to school with enough knives for the entire class.

It’s the Ides of March, so don’t forget to send your kids to school with enough knives for the entire class.

In Canada, the song is called “Poutine on the Ritz.” This was mandated in Irving Berlin’s copyright agreement.

In Canada, the song is called “Poutine on the Ritz.” This was mandated in Irving Berlin’s copyright agreement.

What IS in our hall closet: ~Soccer ball~Frisbees~Japanese parasol~Free weights~Ice cream maker~Rocks someone apparently thought were...

What IS in our hall closet:
~Soccer ball
~Frisbees
~Japanese parasol
~Free weights
~Ice cream maker
~Rocks someone apparently thought were interesting at some point
~High school graduation cap and gown from 2017

What is NOT in our hall closet:
~My raincoat

Successful individuals cultivate important interpersonal skills, like passive-aggression and body odor.

Successful individuals cultivate important interpersonal skills, like passive-aggression and body odor.

If they’re not grown in Brussels, they’re just tiny sparkling cabbages.

If they’re not grown in Brussels, they’re just tiny sparkling cabbages.

HER: SorryME: It’s okay. *quietly* I shall exact my vengeance laterHER: What?ME: I said it’s okay

HER: Sorry

ME: It’s okay. *quietly* I shall exact my vengeance later

HER: What?

ME: I said it’s okay

I enjoy donuts and kittens.Not for the same reason.

I enjoy donuts and kittens.

Not for the same reason.

My daughter and I exercised together and learned an important lesson about sharing. ** I chased her through the house because she had a...

My daughter and I exercised together and learned an important lesson about sharing. *

* I chased her through the house because she had a plate of nachos and wouldn’t let me have any

Decibels and liters are both measures of volume, yet the guy at 7-11 *still* won’t let me buy 200 decibels of Diet Dr. Pepper.

Decibels and liters are both measures of volume, yet the guy at 7-11 *still* won’t let me buy 200 decibels of Diet Dr. Pepper.

If there’s one thing I learned in business school, it’s that there’s never a wrong time for puppets.

If there’s one thing I learned in business school, it’s that there’s never a wrong time for puppets.

I don’t use bath bombs because explosions in confined spaces are linked to higher fatality rates.

I don’t use bath bombs because explosions in confined spaces are linked to higher fatality rates.

Starting a petition to change the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with Luminous Spheroids of Continuously Combusting...

Starting a petition to change the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with Luminous Spheroids of Continuously Combusting Plasma.”

Sometimes when I scream into the void, the void screams back. So we get to talking, and we meet at Starbucks, and wouldn’t you know it —...

Sometimes when I scream into the void, the void screams back. So we get to talking, and we meet at Starbucks, and wouldn’t you know it — we both enjoy chai lattes.

I always confuse “mongoose” with “mango” and my point is, cobras aren’t afraid of tropical fruit.

I always confuse “mongoose” with “mango” and my point is, cobras aren’t afraid of tropical fruit.

When you say “And another thing,” you insinuate I was listening when you said the first thing. I resent that.

When you say “And another thing,” you insinuate I was listening when you said the first thing. I resent that.

Good hostage negotiators don’t say “put the gun down.” They say, “Send the gun to live on a farm upstate where it can play in the...

Good hostage negotiators don’t say “put the gun down.” They say, “Send the gun to live on a farm upstate where it can play in the countryside with lots of friends.”

Ordering takeout for dinner.
@Blahaj #blahaj #sharks

Ordering takeout for dinner.
@Blahaj #blahaj #sharks

Second rule of Fight Club: the soap is not decorative. Scrub hard until the writing disappears so guests won’t wash their hands and...

Second rule of Fight Club: the soap is not decorative. Scrub hard until the writing disappears so guests won’t wash their hands and comment on it, thus precipitating a conversation about Fight Club.

TOP 10 REASONS CILANTRO IS HORRIBLE10. Parks in ADA spots9. Tips 5%8. Farts in elevator7. Microwaves tuna6. Never replaces toilet paper...

TOP 10 REASONS CILANTRO IS HORRIBLE

10. Parks in ADA spots
9. Tips 5%
8. Farts in elevator
7. Microwaves tuna
6. Never replaces toilet paper roll
5. Reply-all on every email
4. Borrows charger, doesn’t return it
3. Double-dips salsa
2. Pyramid schemes
1. Tastes like soap

#cilantro