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I’ve been very quiet on here, but lots has been going on.Finally, an understanding has been gained on why I need to do the next part of my...

I’ve been very quiet on here, but lots has been going on.

Finally, an understanding has been gained on why I need to do the next part of my journey alone.

This decision is not without pain for either of us, but I know it’s the right one.

Practically (ie primarily financially), though, it’s catastrophic – more so for me, but still certainly for us both.

UBI would be nice right about now.

Today is the one year anniversary of me realising, at 55yo, that I was PDA.One year of my whole understanding of my life collapsing, and...

Today is the one year anniversary of me realising, at 55yo, that I was PDA.

One year of my whole understanding of my life collapsing, and starting to be rebuilt.

In some ways, the worst year of my life (as Homer would say, “so far”).

In other ways, many things are clearer. More difficult, but clearer.

It’s better to know.

Barman: ’nother?Me: Yes, please.Barman: [handing me another year of not talking to my sibs] Happy New Year!Me: Just what I needed, thanks!

Barman: ’nother?

Me: Yes, please.

Barman: [handing me another year of not talking to my sibs] Happy New Year!

Me: Just what I needed, thanks!

At this supposedly festive time of the year, which many of us find particularly challenging or difficult, I wish all my beautiful fellow...

At this supposedly festive time of the year, which many of us find particularly challenging or difficult, I wish all my beautiful fellow abuse and trauma survivors, and my wonderful #ActuallyAutistic family, all speed in reclaiming your joy on your own terms, and I’d like to remind you: I see you, I hear you, and I love you because you deserve to be seen, heard and loved 🫂💗

My “oof” moment today is realising, after last night’s dream, which featured my inimitable family (dreaming about them frequently at...

My “oof” moment today is realising, after last night’s dream, which featured my inimitable family (dreaming about them frequently at the moment), that if my mother features in my dreams these days, she is invariably immobile and silent on her bed, but awake and dressed.

The family was heading to go out and were just leaving her there and I’m like “isn’t Mum coming?”, and the answer was “No, she’s disabled”.

If that’s not a visual analogy for my sense she was passive in the face of the abuse being meted out by siblings on siblings year after year, I don’t know what is.

[NB Mum had Parkinson’s, and in the end stages she would be lying in bed {but in pyjamas}, awake, staring into the ceiling or sometimes to the side, but otherwise totally still, just as I’m seeing her in my dreams now.]

The other invariable thing about these dreams is that I am trying to avoid being with them if I see them on the street out in public, or pushing them away or leaving them if I start out with them. They often try and impose their presence on me if they see me.

Definitely an analogy for my having told them I’m going incommunicado indefinitely in January, them continuing to contact me, and me now blocking their numbers.

Before my PDA realisation in Feb, I rarely dreamt of people from my waking life, so the frequency they’re appearing and the relatedness to what I’m processing of my experience growing up shows how much those arseholes impacted my life.

Fuck the lot of them.

My latest post #ActuallyAutistichttps://zaxxon.bot/objects/beQdWdYEC2U

My latest post #ActuallyAutistic
https://zaxxon.bot/objects/beQdWdYEC2U

For J:For the first time in my life I am seeking and asking for what I need and want, instead of groping at indistinct shapes, blindly...

For J:

For the first time in my life I am seeking and asking for what I need and want, instead of groping at indistinct shapes, blindly digging whatever scraps I could out of the soil.

I am not the man you met, I am not the man you lived with, I am not the man we both tried to change.

I am not the man I was.

I am not the man I will be.

For those playing along at home, here’s how I assess myself at meeting the stated needs of my SO as these things have been expressed to...

For those playing along at home, here’s how I assess myself at meeting the stated needs of my SO as these things have been expressed to me:

Being inquisitive 10%
Shared space 10-20%
Not needing to be micromanaged 20%
Emotional engagement 30%
Verbal expressions of affection 30%
Engagement in activities 30%
Not getting defensive 30%
Engaging in conversation 30%
Physical displays of affection 40%
Remaining open to dialogue 60%
Housework 80%
Practical help 90%

Note that these concepts are scored according to their definition of what those traits entail (e.g. I’m very inquisitive, but don’t ask them many questions, I tend to be led through conversations we have).

Also note, this is not meant to be judgmental of them asking for these things - they have every right to want them in a relationship and ask for them.

I’m feeling right now that I’m incapable of meeting their needs to a viable level to maintain the relationship, and I have no idea when I might be in a position to meet those needs to a viable level.

At the same time, I feel like I’m not meeting some of my needs (time/space alone to work through childhood trauma pushed down for 50+ years, for one), and because I’m a DAPP*, I find it hard to give myself the space and time I feel I need when I’m in a "living together" arrangement.

If I were to rate my suitability for being in a long-term, living-together relationship right now, I’d probably put it at about 20%.

Let’s see what their psych says when we have a joint session with them tomorrow - I’ll likely be reminded of several other things to add to the above list before then.

An “interesting" 20 hours ahead 😳

#ActuallyAutistic #DoubleEmpathy #ActuallyPDA

*https://zaxxon.bot/objects/gTq7klMKIoI

Some of them sound familiar…https://zaxxon.bot/objects/H57e5HhVPUw#PDALife #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyPDA...

Some of them sound familiar…

https://zaxxon.bot/objects/H57e5HhVPUw

#PDALife #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyPDA #DemandAvoidant
https://eldritch.cafe/@sinituulia/113311172763538107

I forgot to tag a thing I wrote.#PDALife #ActuallyAutistic #PeoplePleasing #Overcommitmenthttps://zaxxon.bot/objects/gTq7klMKIoI

I forgot to tag a thing I wrote.

#PDALife #ActuallyAutistic #PeoplePleasing #Overcommitment

https://zaxxon.bot/objects/gTq7klMKIoI

I wrote a thing.https://zaxxon.bot/objects/gTq7klMKIoI

I wrote a thing.
https://zaxxon.bot/objects/gTq7klMKIoI

What is it when you don’t want to explicitly end your life, you’re not suicidal, but you’re also not entirely convinced you want to...

What is it when you don’t want to explicitly end your life, you’re not suicidal, but you’re also not entirely convinced you want to keep going?

There’s a sense of ennui about it, but even that seems too…active.

23:59:30, maybe.

23:59:30, maybe.

23:59

23:59

I’d say the relationship “doomsday clock” is hovering around the “23:55, hope we can get it back to 23:00” state right now.Hard to...

I’d say the relationship “doomsday clock” is hovering around the “23:55, hope we can get it back to 23:00” state right now.

Hard to be optimistic given what’s happening, which drags down the positivity level, which makes things seem worse, which…

Applies to Pathological Demand Avoidance, too 😢 #PDALife #ActuallyAutistichttps://sfba.social/@drahardja/113195726131508043

Applies to Pathological Demand Avoidance, too 😢 #PDALife #ActuallyAutistic
https://sfba.social/@drahardja/113195726131508043

Fucking gaslighting fuckers.That’s all they ever did, isn’t it?Even gaslit themselves to denial, “suck it up, sunshine”, and...

Fucking gaslighting fuckers.

That’s all they ever did, isn’t it?

Even gaslit themselves to denial, “suck it up, sunshine”, and “we’re family, we’re tight”.

I’m not partaking, anymore, but it sure as shit don’t mean I’m not affected anymore.

They’ve still got me feeling shit about myself, hating myself, denying myself happiness. Relying on meds and self-medicating.

Fuckers.

I’m usually pretty upset about the idea of the ceasing of me as a consciousness. I’m not sure why, but tonight…meh.

I’m usually pretty upset about the idea of the ceasing of me as a consciousness. I’m not sure why, but tonight…meh.

🎼🎶Numb, numb, numb, numb; numb, numb, numb, numb. 🎵

🎼🎶Numb, numb, numb, numb; numb, numb, numb, numb. 🎵

Mental health, alcohol, PDAIt feels like something has shifted this week. I’m struggling with starting pretty well anything – PDA...

Mental health, alcohol, PDA

It feels like something has shifted this week. I’m struggling with starting pretty well anything – PDA paralysis is overwhelming, I only achieve snippets of activity through the day.

For too long, I’ve been using alcohol (overusing, in fact) to dull that awful sensation of being stuck in treacle, but I am going to try to stop as of today.

I can go (and have gone) without, I’ve just been choosing not to because it’s less unpleasant than abstaining.

It ends up being a form of running away, rather than a physiological need.

SO issues are much improved (thankfully), but I’ve not been able to convey the depth of impact of PDA (or whatever DA it is that I have) over the last 45+ years – including not acknowledging the depth to which it has had seriously detrimental impacts in my work and personal lives.

Another form of running away, it’s just so daunting to look at and disclose, and has put me in a total funk in relation to how I live and experience my life going forward.

It’s 11:46am and I am lying in bed, trying to will my brain and body to properly start my day, but I’m having flashbacks to lying as still as possible under my bed (so as not to be heard by my father and found out) when skipping school 40+ years ago, and although the stillness was voluntary then, the physical sensations are triggering me to feel like I’m back there, unable to function at school, driven to extreme forms of denial and running away.

I’m so tired of running away, yet so scared of fully accepting this inability to function within myself and to those around me.

I feel broken, faulty.

I feel tired.